Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Super Powers

It was only a matter of time before I asked the question that was posed to me by S. Dustin Landrum (aka Doyle). Suppose you could have any super power--what would it be? Why would you choose it over some of your other options?

Doyle believes he's figured out the only choice, when it comes to adopting a super power. I'm not going to share it with you yet--I really want you to think about what you'd choose without a bias in your head. After much thought, I've decided he has mearly selected the most practical super power. For a while, I thought he had convinced me, but I have changed my mind.

I'm not sure what the special power is, but Stephen Lynch is accepting auditions for a new superhero:

If you could be a superhero
Would you be justice guy?
Making sure people get what they deserve
Especially women who lie

Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job
To run off to fucking Hawaii with some doctor named Bob
You could skin them and drain them of blood so they die (especially Bob)
Then you would be justice guy

Or you could be more subtle
No I didn’t mean to be vague
Give her the mad cow disease
Let him die of the plague
As long as they suffer for their terrible lie (especially Bob)
Then you would be Justice Guy
Yes then you would be a superhero like me


Ben said...

Suggestions, if you're struggling to come up with your own super power:

Super Strength
Super Speed
Iron Skin
Throws fireballs
Creates Ice
Climb Walls
Flatulence on command
Breath Fire
Ability to consume infinite amounts of alcohol
Command elements
Transform into a really neat car
Control/speak to animals
Hold breath indefinitely
Stop time
Reverse time
Swallow bowling balls (you gotta admit, it would be a neat party trick...)

SUE said...

I love Stephen Lynch...I saw him at a tradeshow in college 9 years ago or so. It was a tradeshow for students that plan on-campus events to check out tons of bands, comedians, magicians, freakshows etc. in order to books stuff for their schools. Anyway, he was unknown and mixed in with a number of serious musical acts, so when he got up onstage with a guitar, everyone was thinking "Oh, ok...another solo artist." Oh no my friends, he led off with "Half a Man" and went downhill (or uphill, depending on how sick your sense of humor is) from there. 1/2 the audience left in disgust (extreme disgust...their discomfort was palpable). The other half (including moi) will never, ever forget it. Genius moment.

By the way, my special power would be the ability to teleport myself anywhere I want to without equipment. Beat that.

Jen said...

Ben, you already have a super power... your ability to fatulate will impress any party-goer.
This question was more or less posed during one of my psych classes in college. My answer to that question was to obtain the knowledge of those around me. Not necessarily mind reading, but knowing what they have already learned. For example if my nemesis knew Brazilian jujitsu, upon comming within close proximity, I too would know the art.
Actually, I would just hang outside of Stephen Hawking's house.

Jen said...

maybe I should have the superpower to spell correctly instead...

the warrior said...


Streaks of brillance here my friend, very well put together and hysterical, completely hysterical. I loved it and am not sure what I would want my super power to be...I do think it might be worth thinking to have an internal thermometer that I could adjust so that I was always comfortable. I could then pursue my idea to squat with 'a band of Italian gypsies', the good ones, and travel light. The next time someone told me to 'pack your bags', I would just casually leave, no conflict.

Ben said...


The problem with *knowing* Jujitsu as your opponent does is that his (or her) muscles will be trained to put the knowledge to use. You will have lacked the repitition to be effective. Mind reading, in this instance, would be more useful because you would know where he is swinging at the same time.

Sue hit the mark with Doyle's Dagger. His super power would, undoubtedly, be unlimited distance teleportation. I've decided to sell him out for flying. Sure, teleportation would be slightly more convenient (depending on how fast you can fly). It would certainly help you out of more jams, like being locked in a cell, or out in public with a sudden bout of the hershey squirts (although I argue the latter could be more fun with flying and the spotting of someone truly distasteful).

Jen said...

In the case of Stephen Hawking I wouldn't really need any specially trained muscles...
I see your point, however, that will be part of the super power. I will mentally obtain the knowledge, and my body will change and adapt to support my new found power.

Erica said...

Arrrgh ONLY ONE? This is too difficult a decision. I don't want to say one thing and then get stuck in the unlikely situation where I'm stuck with that power for the rest of my life. I can think of a whole series of events in which a specific (each time different) power would be most useful.

In this case, I suggest that the power with the broadest applications would be the best, especially to someone who can be clever with it.

I'd probably go with the ability to create some sort of creature to do things for me, since I'm too much of a coward to put myself in danger.

Like, okay, that woman over there in the park is being mugged by a gang. *I* don't want to go over there and start trouble. I might get raped. So I create a bull elephant in heat (whether it is out of thin air, or by shifting materials you'd find on hand, like the park benches, I don't know) to go squish everyone.

Then you risk squishing the mugging victim. There is no perfect power! And hopefully I'd be able to get rid of these creatures before they started defacating.

...okay I need to stop.

Paul said...

The secret super power I choose (I'm sure you can see this coming) is to BE GOD. So there, puny mortal!

And is the guy in the picture really flying? I think you're all wet. Or he is. Or something.

Cate said...

I would choose power limited only by the imagination. That pretty much covers any situation--need to fly? Imagine doing it, and you can! That way, it's one power, but it could be any power. Tricky--kind of like wishing for more wishes from a genie, which is probably against some rule.

kristin said...

i would choose the super power of telepathy. more specifically a focus on the telepathic 'speech' as i never ever return phone calls or actually call people when i haven't seen them in forever. usually i think to do it in the middle of the night so i think being able to speak directly into someone's mind even hundreds of miles away would be cool. not to mention how HILARIOUS it would be to feel their reaction to being awakened in the middle of the night by a loud voice inside their head. miss u man.