Tuesday, July 25, 2006

A Stern Talk from Wilford Brimley

If you're here to take the animal IQ test, go here. Scroll to the top and try not to look at other people's answers.

Many of you have questions. I know a man who has answers. In fact, he answered one of my questions last evening. That man is none other than Wilford Brimley.

Wilford promised me he would post my question on Monday. I was so eager to read his words of wisdom, I sprang out of bed at 7:30 A.M. to check the website. It ended in disappointment.

By noon, I was concerned. I mean, really, what the fuck does Wilford Brimley have going on at 9 in the morning these days? He hasn't made a goddamn movie in 3 years. We all know good and goddamn well that those diabetes commercials only take about three minutes to make. So I sent him an email. It went something like this:

From: Ben McKnight
Subject: Wilford, you fat bastard...


I thought you were going to answer my goddamn question today. Diabeetes got you down? Did Canada not mail you the drugs in time or something? Why don’t you go to the goddamn doctor here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. and get fixed up? They got your goddamn insulin, then maybe you can answer my goddamn question in a more timely fashion, i.e. when you say your gonna answer it. I thought Wilford F’ing Brimley was good for his goddamn word. I hope I’m not mistaken, you old, diabeetes riddled, bastard.


It didn't take long to get a response from the grisled old codger.

From: Wilford Brimley
Subject: Re: Wilford, you fat bastard...


Dear Ben,

My apologies, but have some God damn patience. I'll get to your God damn question by this God damn evening. I was out buying some God damn insulin as my damn supply ran out again, so I wasn't able to type. Rest a-God damn-ssured, I'll be answerin' your question at some point today.

Check the blog post 10:00 PM and I'm sure something will be up there.

Best Regards,
Wilford Brimley


Well, I checked at 10:00 PM last night, and again was disappointed. I went to bed feeling sad and alone. The next morning, I decided to give ol' Wilford a piece of my mind, and maybe an ass-kicking he wouldn't forget. When I got to my inbox, I calmed down when I found this:

From: Wilford Brimley
Subject: Re: Wilford, you fat bastard...


Dear Ben,

Thanks for God damn question. It's been answered in kind on Please Do It Ms Hewitt. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to get a God damn blow job from my Canadian insulin distributor.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


So there you go, folks. Read my question, or ask your own. One thing is for certain: Wilford will get to it when is good and goddamn well ready to answer it.

9 comments:

A Concerned Fan said...

He is angry, but he is wise. All praise Wilford!

yellowdog granny said...

wilford brimley smells like whiskey, cigs and denture cream...

Shaman Dandulla said...

You lost me mate...

way to many God £*%$ in there...

Ben said...

Sorry to offend, Shaman. I meant to send you a message that while my posts are occasionally thought provoking and inviting, most of the time they are senseless, irrelevant, and downright crude.

To fully understand the humor of this post, you must first understand who Wilford Brimley is. I hope you'll come back and browse the other posts.

Nicole said...

Ben quit goddamn apologizing...any married man good and goddamn well knows that all apologies should be given to the better-halves :-D

Shaman Dandulla said...

lol

when I said you lost me, I meant that I couldn't understand a word you where saying there..
don't worry, you haven't lost me as a reader;)

"any married man good and g&$&* well knows that all apologies should be given to the better-halves :-D" really Nicole??
I have to learn quite a lot then...

Ben, thank you very much for your response,I greatly appreciated it

Shari said...

I'm a fan of the god damn's.

When used with force, you can channel Nina Simone.

Nicole said...

"any married man good and g&$&* well knows that all apologies should be given to the better-halves :-D" really Nicole??
I have to learn quite a lot then...

Why tell me shaman...are you married? If you are, and still have a lot to learn ...stick around Big Boy LOL

Girl In Her Underwear said...

Oh my gosh! I will never look at Wilford the same way again. He used to make me think of oatmeal. Now I'm picturing him with a naughty nurse. Thanks for the dry heaves. :)