Sunday, March 25, 2007

If I were God...

I've been so busy lately, this blog has lost it's sense of humor. All that changes today, folks. The name of this segment is "If I were God..."

Clearly, God has a sense of humor. Look at the giraffe or the platypus. Think of some of your past relationships. Think about a silent fart in a crowded room. These are examples of God's humor on a level we can understand. Of course, I believe God is so infinitely complex, there are a bunch of jokes that go right over our heads. He's a wiley ol' prankster, though, that's for sure.

So here's the challenge. Come up with 10 things you would do if you were God for a day. None of this "end world hunger" crap, either. Yes, if given the opportunity, I'm sure we'd all make the world a better place. That isn't what this is about. It's about making this world a funnier place. Here's what I've come up with:
  1. When every someone sneezes, they fart at an equal loudness simultaneously.
  2. If you're lost and need directions, you can only ask using your ass, a la Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura.
  3. Instead of shaking hands, people will exchange crotch kicks.
  4. Anyone that's hungry will speak in utter jibberish until they eat.
  5. "Get a Life" would be in it's 17th season.
  6. Any guy who purchases a Hummer or a car over $60,000 would have to have a bumper sticker displaying the length of their manhood.
  7. Everyone I've ever disliked would experience a violent outbreak of oral herpes once a month.
  8. The act of peeing would be three times as loud, and four times as long as the current process.
  9. For each dollar a lawyer overcharges, he has to live a month in the ghetto.
  10. Every August 30th*, anyone who has ever had butt sex will have to walk around for 24 hours with their hand raised.
Why August 30th you ask? It's my brother's birthday, and I'm sure that would make every birthday for the rest of his life hilarious. It's my gift to you, Dave.


People in the Sun said...

Damn, giraffes are funny.

Where's my imagination...? Come on... Man, I'lll be a bad God. Fuck it--I'm gonna end world hunger and that's that (what are you going to do about it? I'm God!)

Dave said...

10... Humans would greet each other the same way dogs do

9... people who put those magnetic yellow ribbons on their hummers are automatically signed up for the armed forces

8... Fat people who write diet books get bleeding hemmoroids. (i am talking to you, dr. phil)

7... Every April 7th, the corpse of Teddy Roosevelt will rise from the grave, and force the current president to perform fellatio on him in the Lincoln bedroom

6... you know how blinkers go really fast when they are about to go out? yeah, that would stop

5... for every piece of spam or junk mail a company sends, their CEO gets 1 flea in their genitals

4... Leprachaun in the Hood would be the most celebrated movies of all time

3... Tony Danza and Jim Belushi would have a steel cage match to the death

2... people have to name thier kids after STDs they have (awww.. here comes little Chlamydia... isnt she darling)

1... Mr Peanut is an actual person

Attila The Mom said...

"Instead of shaking hands, people will exchange crotch kicks."

Kill me now God. Please! LOL

Jen said...

Yesterday I observed a Hummer sharing the road with me. Not only was it a hummer, but it was a bright orange hummer STOPED in the middle of the road. He wasn't pulled over, he just decided, for reasons unfathonable to me that he should cease moving. By the time I went around the block, found a parking spot, and walked in to the library, he was still there...middle of his lane, this was also on a curve, at the base of a hill near the very busy conservatory/library/university/park?

..and i think daves top 10 are better than yours...except #4.

Paul said...

I only came up with seven:

1. Immediate implementation of the Golden Rule. What you do unto others gets done unto you right away.

2. Pantsless Fridays.

3. Flatulence appears as floating black bubbles - the smellier, the darker.

4. Those fat aftermarket mufflers designed to increase noise? They vent into the interior of the car.

5. Radio waves, microwaves, sound waves - now visible, in rainbow colours.

6. For every piece of spam you send, you must eat a forkfull of real spam.

7. Pinocchio noses.

Vixen said...

"Any guy who purchases a Hummer or a car over $60,000 would have to have a bumper sticker displaying the length of their manhood."


Can we lower the cost to $10,000 though? Because you can find a decent car for ten grand, and if you paid much less than that you're cheap and no good to us gold-diggers. There's nothing I hate more than getting my claws into a man with a fancy car to find out that it cost more than his house - AND that he has a small penis.

Tisha! said...

I won't even try to be as funny as you!