Saturday, April 22, 2006

Dedicated to those who are considering marriage...

Specifically if you plan on inviting me.

I have to go to a wedding next week. I've been to weddings before, so that isn't the big deal; I know what to expect. The question I have for all of you is this:

WHO THE HELL GETS MARRIED ON DRAFT DAY? DAY ONE NO LESS!

This entry is dedicated to women everywhere. This is going to be the first step in a successful marriage. You might think "if I get married on an important day in sports, my husband won't even remember it was on a week later--it won't affect our marriage." You would be dead wrong--and likely divorced in five years.

You know all that piddly-shit (well, it's piddly to us) that women remember for the next 50 years, if nothing else to throw out at you when they are mad? Men remember missing sports. It sounds dumb, but imagine this scenario:

Wife: "I cannot believe you said that about my sister. How could you!?"

Husband: "Look, someone had to say it--I'm sorry it upset you, but I thought it was important."

Wife: "Like that time you thought it was important to go hang out with your friend instead of meeting my parents for the first time? Asshole!"

Husband: "Huh?" (Note the 'deer in the headlights look on his face as he tries to recollect what the hell she is talking about).

Wife: "You heard me. Eight years ago when we met, you were supposed to meet my parents, but you went out with a friend instead!"

Husband: "Oh, yeah?! Well you made me go to your best friend's stupid wedding on Draft Day! I want a divorce!"

So you see how the situation can escalate very quickly. It doesn't necessarily have to be the husband saying he wants the divorce first, either. See, both people consider what the other one screwed up to be MAJOR events, but it isn't that important to the other one.

So here it is. The marriage-saver. I am listing every major sporting event's playoffs or important days here. Don't plan anything during these time periods. If someone invites you to a wedding (unless it is a brother or sister), tell them you've already got plans. If it is a brother or sister, insist they reschedule.

Jan-Feb: NFL Playoffs/Superbowl
March: March Madness NCAA Hoops Tourney
April-June: NHL Hockey playoffs, Baseball Opening Day, the NFL Draft.
April-June: NBA Playoffs
Aug-Dec: NFL Season (Most Saturdays available)
Oct-Dec: MLB Playoffs/World Series

I'm not got to bother with the Golf Majors and NASCAR. Just be aware they exist, and if your husband is into that kinda thing, it's worth checking out. Not only will he be very happy you thought of him when planning the wedding (insert joke here), but he'll be more focused on the task at hand (i.e. marrying you) instead of wondering who is winning the Hockey game. The last thing you need is a husband at the reception who keeps ducking out to the bar when you should be dancing.

The safest bet is July. The only thing going on then is baseball's All-star break, which no one (not even the players) cares about. Ideally, you could marry right before the break, then use the break as your honeymoon.

This rant is dedicated to the fact that I am missing draft day this year. May you never have to.

1 comment:

Jay said...

Just to offer some extra assistance for brides-to-be, this line of thinking also applies to the honeymoon. If you don't want your husband-of-three-days to watch sporting events on your honeymoon, don't plan your honeymoon during these sporting events. I got married in June, and my hometown hockey team was in the NHL Finals during the week of my honeymoon. Fortunately for the sake of my marriage, my wife is also a hosckey fan. In fact, we even met at a hockey game. So if it is an activity you will enjoy together, by all means move forward. Otherwise, plan accordingly. You have been warned.