Alright, Ladies, Listen Up.

I'm tired of explaining this on message boards and in person. I'm making a post and linking it to anyone who doesn't "get it." This post was inspired by a post about 13 types of men to avoid at any cost someone did for Thursday 13, whatever that is.

This is another case of women making men more complicated than we really are. Though it's not as severe as Jeff Foxworthy's proclamation, "I want a beer, and I want to see somethin' nekkid," it isn't far off. There's no way there is 13 kinds of men. We couldn't possibly be that diverse. I've boiled it down to two.

Ladies, there are two kinds of men out there: Pigs and Dogs.

Dogs will cheat on you. Dogs are arrogant and judgmental. Dogs will lie to your face--and many of you will believe them...EVERY TIME. Then again, sometimes women stay with them for inexplicable reasons, because some aren't all that smooth. Dogs are cruel, and they can be angry. That knocks out about 1/2 of Sophisticated Writer's types.

Ladies, pigs are the one's you want. I don't mean to lower the bar for you, but there is no prince charming. Pigs fart. Pigs burp. Pigs say inconsiderate things. They will forget they were supposed to run an errand for you. They stare at other women. It's just how we're wired.

But at the end of the day, pigs love you above all else. They realize that if they're this much of a trainwreck now, they'd be completely lost without you. They adore you, even if they suck at showing it. They want to make you happy. And they're fiercely loyal.

*IF* you think you have met prince charming, it's not going to end well. Either you've got a dog in disguise, or he hasn't met your brother yet. A week around him, and he'll start scratching himself, farting while he pees, peeing in the shower, and staring at cleavage. Better introduce them now. It's better to live with a pig than be fooled by a dog.

And on that note, Happy Valentine's Day.