Close--but lose that second 'M.'

I know I've been quiet lately, but, as promised, it's time to post about the Mormons.

You'd be surprised how little people know about the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints. I'm pretty sure the average person thinks they are just like Christians, but believe in polygamy. That would make it a pretty sweet religion. Unfortunately, they are not only the craziest of the crazies, but polygamy was outlawed, stripping it of any redeeming qualities whatsoever.

If you'd like to learn a little bit about the religion, our friends at South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, sum it up nicely. Unfortunately, the bastards at YouTube took it down. So instead of easily digestible video, now you have to work for it.

Gary: Tell us the story of Joseph Smith, Dad.

The other kids: Oh yes, tell us Dad. Yeah Dad. All right.

Dad: All right, you rascals. Gather round. [the kids draw closer to their dad] Joseph Smith lived in a little American town in the early 1800s. [A little American town in the early 1800s. A man rides by in a small carriage pulled by one horse. In the distance, Joseph Smith strolls into town]

Singers: Joseph Smith was called a prophet
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
He started the Mormon religion
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Blacksmith: There goes that kooky Joseph Smith

Customer: You know, he claims he spoke with God and Jesus.

Woman: Well, how do you know he didn't?

Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Joseph Smith was called a prophet-

Butler: Hey, Joseph! I told my wife that you spoke with God and Jesus, and she didn't believe it.

Smith: Well it's true. I did.

Wife: Where?

Smith: I was out in the woods, praying [a shot of him on his knees in the woods] I was asking God if I should be a Protestant, or a Catholic, or what? And suddenly God and Jesus appeared before me. [a bright light appears before him and he shields his eyes from the glare] And they said I should start my own church, because none of the others had it right. [the flashback ends] And that's exactly how it happened.

Butler: You see? You believe it now?

Wife: Well yeah, sure. Why would he make that up?

Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Many people believed Joseph
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
And that night he-ee saw an angel
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Smith: [in bed inside a shack] And please bless Mother and Father, and please keep our bellies full of yum-yums and luscious goodies. [a flash of light and a glowing orb caroms around the room] AAAHH! [the orb turns into an angel] Oh my gosh!

Angel: I am Moroni. I am a Native American.

Smith: A... [looks at the camera] Native American? [looks at Moroni] But your skin is white.

Moroni: Yes. Long ago all Native American were white. We all came to America from Jerusalem. And while we were here we were visited by Christ.

Smith: [looks at the camera] Jesus lived here in America?

Moroni: Yes. Eventually, my people were all killed by the other tribe of Israel, and as punishment, God turned their skin red. These are the Native Americans you know today. [Smith looks at the camera dumbstruck]

Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Moroni: There is an ancient book buried near here, written on gold plates that account my people's lives. Also buried with the book are two seer stones, the Urim and Thummim, which will allow you to translate the writings. Find it, and fulfill your destiny. [brightens and then vanishes]

Smith: Wooww... [gets up and dressed. He exits his shack]

Singers: Joseph Smith was called a prophet
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Smith: I found them! I found them! [people turn and look, and he stops] You're not gonna believe it, everybody! I found them!

Butler: Found what?

Smith: Another New Testament of Jesus Christ!

People: What? What did he say? Are you crazy?

Smith: Last night, a Native America angel told me where I could find another testament of Jesus Christ, so I went out to the woods. I dug around all morning where the angel had told me to look. [a shot of Smith digging yet another hole]

Smith: [evaluating] Maybe there isn't anything out here. [strikes something hard] Wait a tick! [throws the shovel off to the side] What's this? [starts digging and find a tiny coffin, then removes the lid] Wow...

Smith: [back to the story] Inside the stone box, I found the magical seer stones. Under that, I found four gold plates written in strange writing.

Smith: This must be the Gospel that Jesus told the Nephites!

Smith: Well, they were the most amazing things I'd ever gazed upon.

Man: [middle-aged] Well, so where are they?

Smith: Where are what?

Woman: The gold plates and the seer stones. Where are they?

Smith: Oh. Oh, well, I... was not allowed to take them. You see, after I found the plates, the angel Moroni appeared to me again and said that I am not allowed to show the plates, or the seer stones, to anybody. Because first I must translate what's written on the plates into English, so you can all read it!

Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

People: Wow, amazing!

Singers: He found the stones and golden plates
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Even though nobody else ever saw them
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Man: What's this all about, Mr. Smith?

Smith: Mr. Harris, can you keep a secret?

Harris: Well, sure I can.

Smith: I have, in my possession, an ancient book written on gold plates that tells of Jesus Christ's second coming. Here, in America.

Harris: In America? [scratches his head] Really? That sounds kind of...

Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Smith: It's true. And I'm going to translate the plates and publish it into a book for the whole world to read. Now, ahah-I know you have a lot of money, Mr. Harris, and I'm just gonna need a little bit to pay for the publishing costs.

Harris: Mmm, I don't know. Uh, how do you expect to translate it?

Smith: With these. [presents the seer stones]

Harris: Rocks?

Smith: They're not rocks. They're seer stones, given to me by an angel. With them, God allowed me to translate the plates into English. Watch. You take this quill and paper and write down what I say. Sit here. [on the floor, by some sheets of paper and a quill pen in an ink well] I have the golden plates here in this hat. I need to have them somewhere dark so I can read the spiritual light.

Harris: Really?

Smith: Now, when I put the seer stones into the hat, the ancient letter light up and change into English, which I can then read to you.

Harris: Wow! [Smith looks down and lowers his head so the face is buried in the hat]

Smith: Ooo, I'm seeing the light. Oh, okay. Write this down. "And... so... it... was... that... Christ... appeared before... the... Nephites."

Singers: And that's how the Book of Mormon was written
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dahumb dahumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dumb dumb dumb dumb duuumb, duuumb.

Singers: Martin went home to his wife
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
And showed her pages from the Book of Mormon
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Harris: A-and so Joseph Smith put his head into a hat, a-and read to me what the golden plates said. I wrote it all down and we're gonna publish it into a book.

Mrs. Harris: Martin, how do you know he isn't just making stuff up and pretending he's translating off golden plates?

Singers: Lucy Harris smart smart smart
Smart smart smart smart smart

Harris: Why would he make it up?

Singers: Martin Harris dumb dadumb-

Lucy: All right, here. I'm gonna hide these pages. [puts them in a drawer at the bottom end of an armoir] If Joseph Smith really is translating off of golden plates, then he'll be able to do it again. But if Joseph Smith is making it all up, then the new translations will be different from these.

Harris: Okay, fine. I bet he'll have no problem. [puts on his coat and heads out]

Singers: Lucy Harris smart smart smart
Martin Harris dumb.
So Martin went on back to Smith
Said the pages had gone away
Smith got mad and told Martin
He needed to go pray
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Harris: [upon Smith's return] Look, ah I'm sorry about losin' the pages we worked on, Joe, but I'm ready to write it all down again if you translate from the plates.

Smith: I would love to, Martin, except, I just had a vision. And the Lord said he's very angry with me for letting you take those pages.

Harris: [gasps] He is??

Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Smith: Yes. He is so mad that he will never let me translate from the plate of Lehi again. He's... we must now translate from the plate of Nephi. So it will be the same basic story, but written a little differently.

Harris: Wow! If God got angry with you, then you must be tellin' the truth.

Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Harris: All right, Martin. Let's get to work! [Smith reads from the hat again and dictates to Harris, who writes it all down]

Sadly, it's a pretty accurate summary of the religion. I suppose I should link it to my post about John Edwards and Allison DuBois, and the scary power of suggestion. I will say one good thing came out of the religion--the Hill Cumorah Pageant. It's basically a free performance that runs for two weeks a year. Naturally, it's far less sarcastic than South Park's rendition, but more or less the same story.

On the bright side, it's quite good. Not only do they sink a ton of cash into the production, but I also got a hand job there.