Wednesday, June 07, 2006

We made it!

In the voice of Professor Farnsworth, "Good news, everyone!"

It appears we have survived a potential apocalypse! While I'm sure you are all busy celebrating this narrowly averted tragedy, I'm afraid I need to rain on your parade. The fact of the matter is that it is never too soon to begin preparations for the next one. I predict that Satan will again attempt to end the world in September of 2009. Remember, 9/9/09 is 666 upside-down, which has to be much worse. Here's a couple things to keep in mind between now and then.

  • Plan on abstaining from sex for all of December of 2008 and January of 2009. The demon seed can't spawn if he doesn't have a host! This will also alleviate the fears of all the traumatized mothers that gave birth yesterday.

  • Corner the market on holy water, crosses, and garlic. You just never know, the new anti-Christ could take the form of a vampire.

  • Get baptized.

  • Remember on 9/8/09 to ask God's forgiveness before you go to bed. That way, you go to sleep with a clean slate, and have your ticket punched for Heaven.

  • Don't go to bed after midnight. You wouldn't want to miss the boat!

  • Try not to be as retarded in 3 years, 3 months, and 3 days. It was pretty embarrassing to the human race in general. I sure hope there weren't any aliens watching.

In reference to the U.S. giving Iran nuclear technology so they'll stop enriching uranium, I've come up with a nifty metaphor (or simile, whichever you prefer):

It's like giving a drunk a brewery to keep him away from the whiskey bottle.


Tillerman said...

I think a better analogy is that it's like selling a brewery to someone who was previously struggling to make his own home brew. This is why it might work - the Iranians get the technology without having to develop it from scratch themselves and American companies get to make big bucks from selling stuff to Iran.

Ben said...

Indeed, that is a much better analogy. That said, I'm still tired of the U.S. endangering the world for the price of a greasy buck.

Jay-Z said...

RE: Iran nuclear technology.

I think it's more appropriate to go with this analogy: The US is the brewery and the alcoholic. We have more nukes than anyone, and we don't play by anyone else's rules when it comes to developing new nuclear technologies for military purposes.

I'd say Iran is taking a free lesson from the master. Uncle Sam is the drunk that gets pissed when anyone else tries to grab a beer.

Saffyre said...

"Try not to be as retarded in 3 years, 3 months, and 3 days. It was pretty embarrassing to the human race in general."

That gave me a good laugh. Why are humans so stupid with this kind of shit?