Kyle XY

Did any of you catch this sparkling piece of crap last night? Never heard of it? TV Guide says:

"Kyle XY marks the hotspot!"

That's not any quote they should be proud of, but I can't think of a more shameless organization off the top of my head. Allow me to recap last night's insult. First, the plot (and I wish I was kidding):

A teenage boy with no belly-button or recollection of where he came from wakes up covered in goo in the middle of the woods. He wakes up next to a rattlesnake and stares for a moment with a semi-retarded, mouth slightly open face that becomes a theme, until the snake strikes at him. With ease, he catches the snake in midair, looks retardedly, and releases it.

So what we've got here is a stupid looking guy of questionable background with amazing reflexes at worst, the makings of a (crappy) superhero at best. Now, on with the story...

The first thing he finds is a couple of campers banging, which he refers to as the shakespearean 'beast with two backs.' If I didn't realize this show was going to be lame before this moment, I did at this point. He makes his way into town (naked, mind you) and is approached by the cops. The cuff him with no problem. They must have been faster than the snake.

God, I was going to tell you so much more about this, but I'm bored writing this already. I cannot imagine the torture you're going through reading it. Instead of an entire recap, I'll just bullet-point the rest of my notes (yes, this show was bad enough to inspire me to write things down) and let you use your imagination.

• punched in the face at juvvy detention (also much faster than the snake, apparently)


• pissed his pants immediately afterward


• moved in with his psychiatrist


• cried when he heard the piano


• hid in the tub after crying


• snuck out to a party and puked on himself


• later (still at party) disarmed a cop


• cop left--too embarrassed to call backup, apparently


• carried passed out, slutty daughter home

Usually, shows like this at least have a hot, slutty, scantilly clad girl running around. The one in this show looks like a fatter, uglier, and somehow sluttier little sister of Rizzo from Grease. (Side note: Stockard Channing's real name is Susan, but she somehow things 'Stockard' is more attractive. What did you expect from someone cast in "The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh"...).

In case all of this isn't compelling enough, there is also some creepy guy in a pickup who looks like Billy Ray Cyrus that seems to be stalking the central character. Hell, it might be Billy Ray, as he did have an illustrius career in acting.

When the show was (finally) over, I heard the dreaded words, "Stay tuned for scenes from the next episode of Kyle XY." I thought to myself, 'HOLY SHIT, THEY MADE MORE EPISODES?!'

Thankfully, it's in the Friday night time slot, which means they probably only made four episodes and have already planned to cancel. God bless summer television (and I miss you very much, House, MD).