Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Fat America

For all the flack that McDonald's has taken, and for all their efforts to create the illusion of a healthier menu, Burger King has boldly gone in another direction. My dear readers, I present to you, the BK Quad Stacker. Four meat patties, four slices of cheese, and eight (8!) slices of bacon for $3.99. Then they slather it with Thousand Island dressing. It looks something like this:

What's the nutritional value of one of these bad boys? 1,000 calories, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,800 milligrams of sodium.

I know what you're thinking. Why Thousand Island? Why not barbeque sauce? I asked myself that same question as I sucked one down tonight. I also wondered why they would use regular patties. Why not tap the Whopper patties? I'm sure with a little more effort from Burger King, they could get the grams of fat into triple digits.

A few hours later, I got a little something that Burger King doesn't advertise. I like to call it the "BK Intestinal Gurgle," followed by the "BK Quad Dump." I still can't go near my bathroom without my eyes tearing up.

Do people seriously wonder why the entire world hates us? I mean, I'm not laying it all on Burger King, but doesn't it kinda feel like they are giving everyone the finger?


DJ Shovelpants said...

'The BK Quad Dump.' Christ, that's fucking funny.

This is why I keep comin' back, yo. Nicely done.

Ben said...

Glad you found it humorous. I figured I'd get some shit from you for even consuming such a disaster. It will certainly be my last, but I felt I had to have one, just to see what it was like. It was everything I thought it would be, including the aftermath.

DJ Shovelpants said...

Hey man, every man must find their way. I'm not here to judge. There was a part of me that thought:

"That damn thing (minus the dressing) sounds delicious."

The other part of me imagined the atrocities that would occur in the shitter later.

Jen said...

Why do I know so much about your bodily functions; especially how your digestive system works...or doesn't.

Jaek said...

That burger, my friend, is a garaunteed trip to Browntown. I've ridden the porceline express via this route on more than one occasion. But, mmmmmmmmm, it was delicious. Mmmmmmmm...bacon.

Ben said...

Could be worse, Jen. You could know a lot more about my reproductive system...like your mom does.

TMLSB said...

I was wondering the same thing just last friday. See, I was celebrating one year since a small chest pain sent me to the doctor and ultimately saw me have bypass surgery at 37 years of age. (I was "only" 250 at that time, fwiw).

Anyway, to celebrate, I went to Chili's to have their Country Fried Steak meal. It's a hunk of country fried steak, mashed taters and milk gravy, buttered, salted corn on the cob, and a big slice of buttered texas toast. It's my all time favoritest meal.

Then, I came back to work and checked out the nutritional info, and realized that sadly, I'd just eaten my favorite meal for the last time.

The damage, you ask? Here you go (and btw, this is not counting the extra side of gravy):

1890 calories
107 grams of fat
148 carbs
99 grams of protein (yay)
2750 miligrams of sodium.

I need to call my cardiologist and confess...

TMLSB said...

Oh, and am I the only person in America that can eat that and NOT have to take a shit? Food never ever affects me like that. I mean, I can eat eggs and fart an egg fart 60 minutes later, but nothing I eat suddenly has me running to vomit out my ass.

Am I a superhero or something?

A Concerned Fan said...

As Alex Trebeck would say, "That was awful."