Monday, October 23, 2006

Shittiest feeling on Earth...

Today, I closed my kid's finger in a door. Completely.

He cried--a lot. For the first 45 minutes, it was mostly screaming. You'd think that would be the worst part. It isnt.

Once the initial screaming subsided, he went into a routine. Roughly five minutes of "owww, owww, owww" in a baby voice, followed by more screaming, followed by five more minutes of "owww, owww, owww," for roughly another hour.

Then, when he finally calms down, you take a look at the door you closed, completely, with his finger and see where the wood is dented, and a spot of blood from his finger tip. Yeah, asshole, that's where the flesh came right off of his skin. No, I wasn't drinking. Apparently I'm just a clumsy asshole.

The only question left is, which is worse? Knowing he is probably too young to realize you were responsible, but could, or just knowing you are responsible?

It's virtually impossible to break an infant's bone, but I gave it the old college try. It stripped off one layer of skin, bruised, and swelled up nicely. I took a little comfort in seeing him bend it repeatedly over the hour of "owww, owww, owww's."

Someone do me a favor and issue me a donkey-punch.


Jaek said...

I shut my daughter's finger in the door when she was two.

There is little else that can make a dad feel like a complete asshole than being the cause of one of your children's pain or injury.

We suck.

Jen said...

When I was really little my mom was tossing me into the air and catching me. She got a little too close to a low ceiling and tossed me straight upward into a pane of glass(yes the glass was above us). I cracked my head off of it pretty hard and cried and screamed obscenely. My mom felt so bad that she had to pass me off to my uncle and just leave the house entirely. She was severely upset and felt awful. However, when she returned sometime later, I was "reading" Field and Stream with my uncle- perfectly content. I had a lump on my head, but I recovered.
I don't remember this at all, but my mom still does. I don't think she can retell the story without cringing.
Ben, you're not an asshole dad, it happens- kids are fragile, they stick their fingers in anything, they get hurt, and they'll learn. Next time, he won't put his fingers there again. But I think you should get David to punch you in the balls the next time you see him... you'll both feel better.

hey whats your mailing address- I want to send you something. This has nothing to do with Thomas's fingers.

Anonymous said...

Dude. We've all done it. In fact, I did pretty much what Jen's mom did to my little guy and tossed him right up into a heavy light fixture.

I won't even direct you back to the post on my site (it's too painful), but it's just gonna happen.

The thing that sucks is he's got this teeny little scar on his forehead.

All because of me.

Ben said...

I know, I know. Knowledge doesnt make it feel less shitty though. I bounced my kid off the ceiling too, but he only cried for 15 minutes or so. This was a full afternoon, and he still points to it and says ow. Those little jabs are serving as reminders.

Mom said she did it to my brother and it still haunts her. I can't think of a harder, more guilt-riddled job than parent.

Jen said...

Being a parent scares me. My parents did a pretty good job- all 3 of us are in college, one on a full scholarship and the other in Switzerland. I just hope I can raise my kids as well. Thats what frightens me.
Except I won't frighten my daughters friends with favors for forensics class.

Ben said...

Thank god I don't have any daughters. I'd lose my mind. I can see the conversation already with the first boy that comes to take her out.

"I just need to talk to junior here for a second honey. He'll be right out....

Just want you to remember a couple things, buddy. #1, treat her with respect. If you don't treat her with respect, I'll kill ya. Secondly, if you ever hit her, move. Change your name. Don't call home ever again. Cuz I'll hunt ya down, and I'll kill ya. Quit smiling, jackass. You think this is funny? Get out of here. Have a good time, but remember what I said. I wasn't kidding."

Jaek said...

I have decided that when my daughter thinks she's old enough to date, her potential boyfriends will have to meet me and my two brothers-in-law and our family friend Bob. We are all large, burly looking men who will strike fear into the hearts of any young boys who come a-callin'.

Jake said...

I lifted A into a ceiling fan when he was 1, and E clipped the tip of his finger instead of his nail (poor light). I am the permanent designated clipper now.

Oh, and he managed to jam his neck this month by falling back onto the bed with his back arched and head back. He cried for 20 min, only stopping when we called the pediatrician.

Give Thomas a hug from us!

kristin said...

the guilt of a parent knows no bounds. I forgot to put the gate back up once and literally watched mo roll down the steps heads first because even though i saw it coming, my dive to save her was too late. then this weekend i had a hold of her hand during a temper tantrum at the ren fair and she got tangled up in my gigantic costume skirt and the knees went STRAIGHT TO THE GRAVEL in front of about a thousand people. yeah. stupidity abounds.

Janine said...

The good news is that you will remember this much, much longer than he will. Don't beat yourself up too hard.

Dave said...

I dont think you know what a "donkey punch" is. or at least, i certainly hope you dont, after self perscribing yourself one.

you can find the "official" definition here:

using the definitions there, i think a better punishment would be dry-docking after having a quad-stacker, while visiting you sometime